Finding My Voice

It’s the day after Christmas and I am too full…of stuff, of food, of bills. Christmas is supposed to be filled with love and joy as we think about the birth of Christ.  Love and joy have been a few of my emotions this Christmas, although they have been accompanied by anger and anxiety. That is embarrassing to admit.  I want the Norman Rockwell version of Christmas, the perfect picture that has everyone smiling and laughing.  My family portrait this Christmas has been more of mom’s quick temper over everyday frustrations.  I just read Rob Bell’s Drops Like Stars, and my soul so resonated with his words. The wanting, the longing, the inner angst that speaks to the fullness that only God can bring. The beauty of suffering…that suffering changes everything. Jon went on a hospital visit yesterday, Christmas day, to see a family whose matriarch had a stroke and brain bleeding. How quickly does life come into perspective when death is a possibility? Does the perfect present under the tree matter at all? Not in the least.

Perspective changes everything. I can look at the mess around my house and be frustrated that my world is not perfect, or I can look at the mess and be thankful that it means my life is full…healthy children, a husband that I cherish, provision for the things we need and more. Today I will choose to be thankful …

We all have that one closet, drawer, or space that we cringe if anyone looks in. I promised Jon that I would tackle it this summer, but I’ve been putting it off. Putting it off until he brought it up at a dinner party…that was it. I am now looking at a clean closet and a messy floor. I’m slowly getting it done. In the process I started thinking about the closets we have inside. Whether we try to hide them from God or others, they are still there. For me, I want to clean it up and have it organized before I show Him or anyone else. Have I forgotten that redemption has happened, that I don’t have to put a bow on it before He sees it. He already knows, yet he loves me anyway. I am now 19 years into my walk with Christ and I am still trying to do things my way – am I really so arrogant to think I know best?

I know that waiting develops character and teaches you so much about who you are. Yet I hate it! It seems to be a current theme in my life. It is so hard to force yourself to work your plan when the end is not in sight. I’m a bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away kind of girl. Believe it or not, I gained perspective in the movie Kung Fu Panda. I know, it doesn’t take much for me to have an a-ha moment. Well the wise turtle was saying that we face the thing we resist as we try to avoid it. And yes, the turtle was much more poignant and elegant – and yes, it feels ridiculous to even write. But it is what I do. How different would life be if I made the phone calls I didn’t want to, wrote the note I didn’t want to, tackled the project I’ve put off…my list could go on and on.

I’m off to tackle 1 thing…

Today is my husband’s birthday. It is weird not having him here. He took the kids down to see his parents for a week while I have to attend classes. They have been gone for 3 days and the house is strangely quiet. I was able to wash the dog and empty the recycling – both things that have become uniquely Jon’s. It definitely made me think about all the things he just does for us. He is a wonderful husband and father. Always learning, always growing…constantly striving to do things a little better each time. I admire him more than he knows. He tends to get the “I don’t want to change attitude.” I dive in to new things at a much slower pace than he does – but I get there. Happy Birthday Jon!

It is finally starting to feel like summer! The first two weeks were crazy busy, so this week is about pool time and relaxation. Jon was able to go to Sun Valley with us yesterday. The kids were so excited to show him how well they are swimming now. And it was nice to just sit under the umbrella and watch the kids. They are changing quickly. I want so badly to capture this time yet it seems to be passing way too fast.